Oceanic Growing Pains
The world is going through a growth spurt
Growth often comes with pain. Once we’ve identified the (emotional) pain (sorrow, rage, indignation, anxiety, frustration, apathy, constriction) what do we do with it? How can we use the energy from our emotions to help move us toward a more loving, peaceful + beautiful world?
Toward Equality
It does not surprise me that we are having and/or are witnessing mass behavioral outcries from those who have been pushed down, pushed back, and been relegated to the margins. The oppressed have endured (often) unbearable (yet made-to-bear) physical, emotional + psychic pain + suffering. [For more on this, check out my blogs: Black Lives Matter - with educational references regarding race and gender, and Waking Up to Change - about Native American Indians and First Nations People].
Most people have experienced being shut-down with phrases such as: “Shut up” and “Stop talking” - words or actions that, in effect, are conveying that: “your thoughts, feelings + actions do not matter to me”. Ultimately, these words and actions are saying: “you do not matter”. “You do not matter” is conveyed through personal words and actions, and, in turn, through cultural and societal institutions and laws.
During a lifetime of marginalization, a person’s internal storage unit is filled with pent-up and/or repressed emotions - including sorrow + rage. The trapped emotions are passed forward, through genetic + energetic codes, to the next generation.
The current generation of people working for equal rights carry their own repressed emotions, and also, all the repressed emotions of all past generations. The current, indignant cry against injustice + inequality carries the oppression that exists and has existed, and the hope that change can happen - that we, as a species, can + will grow into a just + equal people.
Current, familial, and historic atrocities done in the name of (others’) personal bias (toward a whole group of people), and the consequent discriminatory laws (that follow bias), are righteously and rightfully being brought to awareness. The talking, protesting, + fighting to change and end the proliferation of inequality will not end until oppression is obliterated - from both our laws and our hearts. This is powerful work. This is humbling work. We are growing into equality.
Through Covid-19
It does not surprise me, either, that we are feeling + expressing both fear (of the spread of Covid-19 while loosening restrictions), and a 'cabin-fever’ reaction to the stay-at-home and social distancing orders. People are saying: “I just want to get out + see live people” and we are doing just that. I think it’s because of this mix of fearful anxiety and frustration that some people are acting-out in ways that are simply put: uncaring or mean. Fear, anxiety, + frustration tend to suppress compassion.
I’m not driving much, but have heard that drivers seem to be more self-centered. Driving etiquette has got to be really ‘bad’ if my friends are conveying this to me, because I’ve been complaining (to my friends) for years that most drivers act downright mean. It’s easier to be mean, I think, from the anonymity of your car.
People aren’t only acting-out in their cars, though. One story comes from my friend Jonathan. He confided that the customers at his outdoor barbecue-restaurant have been unusually impatient, loud and negative since day one of reopening this summer. As a result, Jonathan’s employees have been, one-by-one, saying: “I don’t need this” and quitting. As a result of this, Jonathan is considering closing shop - after being open for 24 years. It’s tough to know he and the restaurant are getting bashed + that soon, we may not have them to visit.
Constriction points to the place where the healing begins
I’m noticing (in others and myself) - with laser-clear illumination - the place(s) of constriction. [Constriction here meaning the place where we need to focus our inner work, in order to grow]. If we look at ‘constriction’ as the places of discomfort, fear, anxiety, frustration, apathy, and uncaring, it’s easier to know what where to focus.
So now, I’d like to go back to my first thoughts:
Growth often comes with pain. Once we’ve identified the pain (sorrow, rage, indignation, anxiety, frustration, apathy, constriction) what do we do with it? How can we use the energy from our emotions to help move us toward a more loving, peaceful + beautiful world?
3 Steps to Heal + Grow
The first step toward healing and growth is awareness. Take a moment, right now, to become more aware of where you’re feeling things like: discomfort, fear, anxiety, frustration, apathy, uncaring, or constriction. Check for these in your physical, mental, emotional, energetic, and spiritual bodies.
The second step toward healing and growth is validation. You came across these places of constriction honestly. Give yourself a nod of appreciation for doing the best you could with what you were given, and for getting to this place, right here and now.
The third step is allowing. Change is a transformational process. Become curious about the process, and trust the process. Allow the process to bring you through the steps of change, all the way to growth.
During the process of allowing change, keep strengthening + coming back to the Synthesizing Self. This ‘Self’ is always unfinished, fine-tuning, and expanding. It is a witness, of sorts, who non-judgmentally accepts + understands that you have a personal self (with all its aspects or ‘smaller parts’) and are part of something larger than your personal self. Strengthening + coming back to this Self will help you stay grounded + relatively relaxed while doing your inner work.
Conscious breathing will keep you grounded
A Mindfulness technique I recommend is to breathe into the constriction. We can practice this together, now, with the following prompt:
Breathe deeply, in and out. Follow your breathing for 3 more breaths, in and out. With the next inhale, invite in ‘life force’, softening, opening, and release. With the next exhale, release anything ready to be released. Repeat this ‘cleansing breath’ 3 more times.
Keep coming back to the breath, especially when you notice discomfort in your physical body or when your breath feels shallow, held, stuck or non-existent. This often happens when coming face-to-face with something that’s a point of constriction. Facing the constriction is uncomfortable. Remember: discomfort is the 1st step in change + growth. You may want to call this a ‘growing pain’.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Deepen the breath. Slow it down. Become conscious of your inhale + exhale.
Take the time, throughout your process of inner change-work, to consciously breathe. Conscious breathing not only helps you remain more relaxed + able to get through discomfort, it’s also an avenue for the old to escape + the new to enter.
Through a Psychosynthesis lens
In psychosynthesis we might call the constrictions: ‘subpersonalities’, ‘limiting beliefs’, and ‘false negatives/false positives’. We would get to know these constrictions, or ‘identify’ with them. Then, we’d use a tool (such as guided meditation) to connect with something greater than ourselves - a vast Energetic Field that holds All - to remind us that we are larger than any (small) constricting ideas or parts. In psychosynthesis, this would be where we ‘dis-identify’ from the smaller parts. In dis-identifying, we’re able to more clearly see how these parts both serve and limit us. We get to know what the part needs, so that ‘it’ can understand that it’s an acceptable, loving, (yet small) part of who we are - and not all of who we are. Then, it will feel comfortable to give up control, and allow the larger (ever-growing) Self to make the choices.
This process feels expansive to me. Doing this process, I find that I’m able to heal the hurt parts, let go of what is not serving my Loving Self, and make realistic + healthy choices. Doing this process, I’m able to better hear the ‘Call of Self’, so that I can follow my higher purpose.
Taking the first step
In these times, there are many calls to action - both externally and internally. Many of us - especially those who are Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and empathic - are feeling confused and/ or overwhelmed as to where to put our attention and energy. If this sounds like you, considerer that the experience of confusion or overwhelm is also a constriction, worthy of focus.
Focus on the confusion or overwhelm. Slow things down. (Remember to come back to your breath). See what emerges. At some point, you could ask your inner guide: “What is my Call of Self?” Listen. See what emerges. When you think you’re done, ask: “And what else?” Again, listen + see what emerges. You could ask: “And what else” until there is absolutely nothing more for your inner guide to say!
If your call-to-action is large, break it down into bite-sized pieces. Break it all the way down to the first step. Then ask your realistic Self: “What is the least I can do toward beginning the first step?” That’s where you want to start.
Addressing growing pains
An adult’s mental and emotional experience of growth may be analogous to a child’s physical experience of what we have come to name: “growing pains”. Children (especially active and sensitive children) intermittently experience an aching, throbbing pain (mostly in the legs) that ranges from uncomfortable to unbearable. It’s interesting to me that the recommended treatment for growing pains (in children) is using a warm, moist compress; massage; and ‘pain relief’. I would recommend the same treatment for adults.
If you are experiencing intermittent, mental and emotional growing pains, that feel in the range of uncomfortable to unbearable, I recommend the following:
A warm, moist compress to the soul. Take a hot bath or shower. Get in water - or around it. Linger by the ocean or streams whenever you can. Negative ions create positive vibes, and are found in abundance around water, especially in Nature.
Loving and supportive touch. This includes physical touch - as with self-massage, friendly or intimate touch, or a professional massage - and emotional support that ‘touches’ your emotional heart.
Pain relief. I don’t recommend pharmaceutical or even over-the-counter, manufactured pain relief - unless it is your last resort. First, try relieving your mental and emotional pain with ‘natural’ remedies such as: talking with a trusted friend or counselor; writing in a journal; drawing, dancing, singing, or other kinds of artistic expression; exercise; and breathing. Mix ‘em up. A combination of de-stressing tools is most helpful. (Mindfulness meditation is successfully used for many to address chronic pain management. It’s effective for mental + emotional regulation, too).
A loving-kindness prayer
We are, collectively, like waves in the same ocean. We are the waves; the ocean is holding all of us. During this time of unprecedented, significant, national + global changes, we, as individuals, are being asked to stretch, rise, fall and repeat. We are being asked to engage in the tumultuous process of change side-by-side. We are being asked, as a whole world - by the Ocean - to grow.
May all beings feel held by the buoyant Ocean. May all beings know that [you] are not alone. May all beings rise and fall and rise again, with new Spirit. May all beings know love.