What's in the Fog?

There are so many inspirational books, articles, posts, films, podcasts & courses to read & engage in right now. There’s a lot of material about politics, the environment… Valentine’s Day. I thought maybe this week, I’ll share someone else’s words. So many are saying the same thing, why add more of the same? Or, I thought, I’ll meditate & see what comes up. So I sat, for 30-minutes. What came up were a couple of parts that are way back - behind a fog & barely audible - needing rest.

Those parts seemed to be dying. Those parts, it turns out, are my healthy voice.

Every time I push beyond my healthy boundaries - stay up late, wake up early, eat unhealthy food & drink - I am pushing my healthy voice back - further & further into a fog, where it is barely audible. I am literally dulling my ability to listen well to what is good for me in any given moment, and instead, I am working toward becoming unconscious. It is literally self-destructive.

My physical body will step up to say YOU ARE NOT LISTENING and I WILL HELP YOU LISTEN. I don’t get sick often these days. But now, I’m sick.

Thursday night I thought I ought to be part of my community & do the "Love Crawl”. I went last year with friends. I like being with friends. I usually don’t drink, but I do sometimes because it’s a social thing - and I drank alcohol at last year’s Love Crawl. This year, even though the weather was not great for walking downtown & even though every single friend from last year’s Love Crawl group-of-friends was unavailable, I still went. I was tired & didn’t want to go. Yet, I went.

I only went to one place - not a crawl, really - more like a stop. And I had sour beer - the only beer it seems that I like the taste of. I did not drink much by most standards but - I’m carbohydrate intolerant and even one beer is like eating sugar bread. And I ate the sugar sweets that were there, too - gluten free, but - made with quite a lot of sugar.

And then, I went to a 9 pm movie - one I’d already seen. I had offered to go with someone who (I feared) would otherwise not have gone. And while the movie played, I ate the sugar treats I’d brought along from the Love Crawl. Some old voice inside thought that would help keep me awake. I ate a lot of sugar.

Friday morning, I woke with a touch of a cold. All day, I minimally acknowledged this - like, I’ve healed illness, this is nothing. The problem was, I didn’t stop & listen to what was happening at my core. Instead, Friday night, I binge-watched Netflix. And ate sugar. Once sugar, again sugar. Sugar is an addiction. I’m a sugar addict & am carbohydrate intolerant. That’s my body, trying to help!

Saturday I woke into a full-fledged cold - with swollen glands & sneezing & snot needing to be blown out every few breaths.

And now, I am (finally) listening to a voice in a fog - barely audible & dying.

This pattern of ignoring, destroying, and trying to kill my healthy voice is old. It goes back to feeling emotionally hurt, alone & unworthy. Trying to kill my healthy voice never seems to make me feel more worthy, though. Funny, that. OR, the pattern starts when I’m being too helpful - doing things that aren’t what I really want to be doing, because I want to support someone else. This does not sound very self-supporting, though. Funny that, too.

My physical body has me back on track, though - slowed down enough to force my psychic body to listen to reason - to its healthy-self voice. I am reminded to find & revive my healthy voice. That poor dear, dying in a fog.

It wants me to rest. And eat something. And drink tea. And bathe. And take a nap.

Ah. That was a good sigh. It is pleased.